The day it all changed

I was standing alone in the bathroom of the hospital room.  They had just wheeled Kelly into the room for an emergency C-section.  I was trying mostly unsuccessfully to put on the too small scrubs I had been given.  The shoes were in tatters.  My emotional state was even worse.  The beautiful moment I was hoping for had been anything but.  I had just witnessed the woman I love in more anguish that I was prepared to take.  More discomfort than I will ever know.  More agony than I had ever seen anyone.

Was this really it?  Is this how it's supposed to be?  Is bringing a life into the world, your own child, meant to be this painful?  At that time, in that moment, I had an unprecedented amount of emotions coursing through me.  What was next?  How is this going to turn out?  Just please let everyone be ok....

Everything I felt then was real.   But sometimes it all becomes just a footnote...

20 minutes later the doctor had my son in her arms.  Two seconds pass.  He opens his mouth.  And begins to wail.  I don't think I've heard a more beautiful sound.

My hands went to my head.  This was it.  A moment way bigger than me.  We had brought life into the world.  Created a person.  He was out.  He was real.  He was ours.

Crying.  Laughing.  Sniffling.  Snorting.  Oohing.  Ahhing.  In all different orders.  The strain of the past 27 hours was swept away in an instant.  Hardest thing ever?  Maybe.  Worth it?  Oh sweet fancy moses...YES!

There would be family to call.  Friends to notify.  A long, strange, weird, beautiful story to tell.  But for now it was just three people locked in a moment.  Frozen in time.  Just beginning the opening chapter of a story that will keep stretching into a lifetime.  And feeling happiness that previously did not exist.

We have a son.

It's Time

Time to start documenting about what this kid has done. Swept in and taken over our lives in the best possible way.  Smiling, gazing, giggling, lounging, snoozing, sleeping, drooling, dreaming, wondering and adorableness levels record breaking.  A part of me wishes I'd become a dad a lot sooner.  But another part knows full well that the time was right when it all went down.  A family man officially. Still hard to believe.  But very easy to embrace.  Very easy to appreciate.  Very easy to be humbled and awed by the whole thing.

Reese Francis Jefferson.  That's my son.

He deserves to know all of it.  And he will...

This is happening

The calm before the storm.  It's a different kind of calm.  Anxious, ecstatic, expectant, amazed, overwhelmed, awestruck...ready.  Somehow they all apply here. 

I know I haven't been writing.  I guess I've been too caught up thinking, feeling, experiencing and enjoying.  Writing has just come in fifth behind those other things.  It won't always.  It just has now.

November feels like so long ago and last month simultaneously.  There were long stretches of, "holy crap this is taking forever" swiftly replaced by, "holy crap, it's go time."  The baby train is officially coming fast.  He's going to arrive before his name does.  And I like it.  Maybe we'll even ask him.  Two blinks if you like this one.  An arm swipe if you like that one.  Poop if you don't like any of them.

There were a number of solid names that didn't quite make the cut.

Wotan Jefferson - Can you name your first child after a German opera composer?  If your dad is an opera buff named Randy, he'll plant the seed and water it every chance he gets.

Younggren Jefferson -  the greatest name that almost was... in reverse.  Ultimately, too many double consonants.

Hammer Lightning Jefferson
or
Lightning Hammer Jefferson - The lines between fantasy and reality have officially become blurred.

Geronimo Jefferson - I couldn't stop saying it for a week after I heard it.  But I have a feeling he would have hated us when he started school.

Rigley Jefferson - Drop the W from the greatest sports venue in the world.  Rig for short.  I'm not sure the world would have been ready.

Circuit Jefferson - Only five people in the world would have appreciated it.  And two live in the Pacific time zone.

Oscar Jefferson - The one that came the closest.  A legitimate two week window where it looked like it might happen.  I still might call him Oskie anyway...

______ Jefferson - Getting to name my son is the coolest game I've ever played. 

This is gonna be pretty freaking fun, isn't it?

School's Out

It's been more than 10 years since I graduated from the U of M.  Which means I'd spent an entire decade avoiding the classroom setting.  It was a pretty good run for a time, but I'd had just about enough.  I've never really had a strong desire to go back to school.  I'm doing enough learning on the outside. 

Which brings me to Sunday.  And our 6-hour birthing class.  I can't really say what my emotions were going into it.  While I was looking forward to acquiring some of the vital knowledge that one needs to be a parent, I knew the classroom setting held the potential for sucking.  I was envisioning outdated videos, lame other couples and a know it all instructor preaching in absolutes.  Fortunately every nightmarish scenario played out only in my delusional head.  The videos were current (although occassionally awkward), the couples were all pretty chill (although one girl had all the insights into being the best parent ever) and the instructor was a cute, sweet woman who at one point asked everyone if any of us had ever sucked our wife's nipples 8 to 12 times a day.  Everyone stayed quiet.

The breastfeeding videos were really up close and personal.  I saw boobs from all angles, of all sizes, of varying degrees of manipulations.  For much of my life, the possibility of seeing boobs was the goal of that day, that month, that year.  But by the end of the class, I was boobed out.  It was certainly instructional.  It was definitely educational.   It was just boobs in a wrong kind of light.  The negativity was quite temporary though.  We're back in business now.  Boobs rule again.

There are some things I will not be immediately proficient at.  I won't be an expert diaper changer.  My calming and soothing skills are going to be pretty raw.  While I can be productive on very little sleep, I do not yet know what kind of ability I have to wake up continuously once I become asleep.  But surviving and thriving during the unknown is really what makes a good parent.  Or so I think right now.  And that I will be just fine at.

And it won't hurt to have the real life version of Tami Taylor by my side through everything.  Having a loving, caring, understanding wife is really my ace in the hole.

But having a loving, caring, understanding husband might just be hers too....

It's the Final Countdown

Well I did it again.  One of my favorite pastimes.  A little thing called... hiatus.  Sometimes I just do that.  I've started to accept some things about how I am.  It's not an excuse.  Just a character quirk. I'm not even going to call it a flaw.  I write for a bit like a gunslinger and then I fade away like the smoke from his gun.  So I guess I'm riding back into town...

For all of the new things, experiences and emotions that have arrived over the past several months, nothing compares to feeling your baby moving inside your wife's belly.  For so long I wanted to feel something that I was feeling things that weren't there.  It was kind of like when I started smoking weed.  I thought I was high because that's how I was supposed to feel.  It wasn't until my freshman year in college when I realized.... now THIS is being high.  That's how it was the first few times I tried to feel our little guy kicking.  Kelly breathing, Kelly laughing, Kelly's heartbeat.. I mistook every one for what they weren't.  Then the first time I actually felt it.... now THAT is a kick from a baby.  Followed by holy crap.  Followed by the immediate need for more.  And getting lost again in the incredulty of it all.

The third trimester is here.  I told Kelly the other day that the countdown can begin.  She looked at me in disbelief.

"Begin?  You mean continue?  I've been counting down for months you gong show!"

"Oh"

Our boy will not be named Oscar.  Although I gave that name a good run.  Even putting together an impromptu presentation on how Oscar the grouch was both misunderstood and possessing a huge heart.  But it was not quite enough.  In the end we'll have something better.  And despite my dad's hope that we'll name him after an opera composer, Wotan is officially off the table as well.

Three more months.  Let the countdown begi....errr.... continue.

33, full of glee

Turning 33 years old is not noteworthy. It doesn't have the awe and wonder of becoming a teenager, the power and confidence of turning 21 or the holy crap where has it gone sober shock of turning 30. This year however was a touch different. The last birthday before parenthood felt like it meant a little something more.

March 4th this year brought exactly what I wanted. A great baseball book gift from Kelly that will be a major player when it omes to choosing bedtime stories. An enjoyable brunch at Sarah's restaurant where eggs become pancakes and pasta turned into pizza. And it all led to cheesecake. With a few beverages that made you feel funny.

After that it was home for a tremendous birthday nap. I used to be a professional napper but those days have left me behind. It was good to know I still had it. Naps are likely to one casualty of parenthood. Unless I can conjure up a skill similar to my dad's and master the 20 minute catnap.

The capper came in the form of butterscotch malts. Which we (I) slurped while conversating about the past, present and future. I felt at ease. I felt content. I felt right.

Not that these things can't happen once July hits. They certainly can. It's just that I don't know for sure they will when I want them to. One of the giant tradeoffs of having a child is that the freedom to up and do whatever is gone. It's been replaced by something greater, but it can be a hard change all the same.

And it really is less about you and more about someone else. My 34 candles next March will not mean quite so much. The real importance will be the 1 candle next July.

Boy oh Boy

At 8:20 this morning, the impressively knowledgeable ultrasound technician had made her way down the body of the little person in Kelly's belly far enough to reveal a penis. It's safe to say that seeing a penis has never created this same reaction in me. The holy freaking crap, there it is AND HOLY FREAKING CRAP reaction! I was utterly entranced for the entire hour of the ultrasound. But it was like real life had stopped time. Nothing else in the world was going on other than what was on that screen. The little shapes and movements, light colors and dark colors, little toes and fingers and the most absurdly adorable tiny little foot. I'm in awe even now.

And the best part of all. Everything is there. And working. And moving. And functioning. Giant sigh of relief. Major fist pump. Euphoric yell. Sing it to the world. We're having a boy!!

The million dollar question

I think it's official. I have been asked the question "Do you think it's a boy or a girl" more than any other question ever. More than "Will the Cubs ever win the World Series?" More than "Is that your natural beard color?" And now, even more than "How many sweets is that today?"

It's even stranger that this question has received #1 status since there's no good answer. Well, there's a good answer but there's really no way of knowing. There are countless theories on determining factors. Heartbeat rate. Facial feature changes. Conception during ovulation timing. Family gender histories. It all feels like an abursdly complex algebraic equation. If x is less than y but greater than z and way funnier and more interesting than abc, it's definitely a girl. But if it doesn't snow next week, it's a boy. It can really make a guy's head spin. It sometimes makes me want to answer like my dad dad... he just hopes it's "one or the other."

Here is all I really know for sure. That little person growing in Kelly's belly, the one who is now bigger than my fist, an apple and an avocado... is going to be the best. We have no control over what sex it decides to come out as. Inevitably it's going to be awesome and adorable and we're going to love it. It's cliche to say that all you really want is a baby who is healthy. I kind of always thought that myself. But it takes on a new meaning when you're expecting your first child. All you really want is for your child to have a good a chance at a great life as all the rest. For them to have fun and embrace the world like everyone else. For nothing mental or physical to stand in their way if at all remotely possible. When it comes to hopes for your child, hoping for a boy or a girl finishes behind just about everything else.

I totally think it's a girl though....

What's In a Name

Picking a name for your baby must be like what people go through when deciding on a tattoo. There are so many to choose from and you want to pick something that you'll love forever. These days it seems like people are trying to pick a name that is somewhere between popular and unheard of. A little less than David. A little more than Rumplestiltskin. And while it might sound ridiculous now, had my parents named me Neil, as they were close to doing, I think my life would have ended up differently. Adams and Neils just don't take the same paths. You're looking to start your youngster out on the right foot. So Jeffrey Jefferson is probably out....

When I was sitting in a large meeting at work one day, I used my notepad originally designed for taking notes and jotted down every name I liked that came to my head. I think by the end of the meeting I had about 25 names. They were all girl names since those are the names my gut is telling me are going to matter. I went back to my desk excited to run them by Kelly to see how many she liked. What happened next was like shooting fish in a barrel.

Monica? No way, no one from TV shows
Carmen? Sounds like karma
Zoe? Too popular now
Gretchen? 4th grade bully
Lucy? She was mean to Charlie Brown

The trip from elated to deflated was a quick one. But I realized I was naive in my initial thinking. Picking a name can't be about one person convincing the other that it works. It has to be a name that both people give a chance and eventually grow to love together. The other day we took a walk and we had our first Name Fest And this time a few made it through the killing fields. Names that are sweet and easy, fresh and fun. Names that over the next six months might produce the one that makes it to end.

The name that changes it all. The name we give to our baby.

Things are different already

The Packers played dreadfully in their biggest game of the year and were knocked out of the playoffs by the Giants tonight. A 15-1 team had never lost its first playoff game before. It was a terrible ending to an amazing season. Had this same game taken place last year I would have been unreasonably upset for multiple days and sulked out of spite for quite a while. I would have been generally difficult to be around and very easy to annoy. For my wife and co-workers, it would not have been a fun stretch.

While I certainly still care... and was definitely hurting after the loss... times have changed. The shifting of priorities has begun. Having fatherhood on the horizon is the ultimate trump card. Sports losses don't sting quite as much when the thought of holding your baby in your arms is swirling through your mind every day. I don't see how it can. The older I get, the easier it is to seperate a game from life. Granted it takes a little longer after particularly big games like tonight. But the awareness happens a little more each year. Fatherhood is about to throw its elbow into that even more.

Not that I'm going to be some schmuck who loses all his passions and interests once I become a father. It's just that there was a time when these games, my teams, were a big chunk of what I had to live for. Following them took up a good percentage of my time, thinking about games took up a good percentage of my thoughts. That's the main difference. There's less space for it now. I still bled after the game tonight. I just didn't need a band-aid for very long.

The one exception to all of this is of course the Cubs. If they, when they, as soon as they finally find a way to win the World Series, it will be like I'm 8, 12, 18 and 25 again all at once. I'll weep like a baby and yell like a teenager. And my child(ren) will wonder when exactly it was that their dad went off the deep end...

Heartbeat

As far as moments in life that take your breath away in a manner that nothing else really exists and there's no way anything this cool or amazing is even feasible or possible and somehow you had a hand in it happening and knowing that this feeling is only going to grow deeper and stronger as the days go on but seriously is this real yes we are live and this is really happening and holy crap there is a living breathing little person in there....

Yeah I'd say that sums up hearing the heartbeat of your unborn child for the first time

Ultra-incredible

You know it's real because all the symptoms are there. All the pregnancy tests came back positive. There's been some icky and ucky feelings in the morning, along with an extremely heightened sense of hunger and sleepiness. There was tenderness in some areas. But until you actual see it on the screen, it all might be, could be, one sick, elaborate prank.

Not anymore. We have pictures now. We saw it with our own eyes on that screen. There's a baby in there.

I didn't even realize we were going live until the images just appeared on the ultrasound screen. I almost did "Ohhhh" when I realized it was happening here and now. You get in that room and they get right down to it. When most of the females you see have bladders at maximum capacity, that probably forces your hand some regarding moving things along.

I saw shapes. Shapes I didn't understand. But then I saw the opening. And the little present tucked inside. The head won't be that big when they're born, she said. Yeah right, we knew. It even moved a little bit. THERE IS A LIVING, GROWING HUMAN BEING IN MY WIFE'S BELLY!! I MEAN, SERIOUSLY!! I think my mouth was hanging open the entire time. It's still so unbelievable, so incredible, so larger than anything I've known before.

And we've only just begun

Dropping the bomb

It's a fun little deal holding the knowledge that you are in possession of news that will make people jump for joy and change their lives. I had Christmas Day front and center on my radar ever since we found out the news over a month ago. And while each day by the tree in Wausau is magical, this one would be even more so. The last present was a heavy favorite to be the best. It was a frame for my parents, ushering in their new role as grandparents, "on or around July 28th."

My parents, as has always been their nature, have never placed an ounce of pressure on me to produce them a grandchild. It's just one of their countless great qualities, they have never been the meddling type but have still always been there for us when the time has been right. There may be no greater skill as a parent.

That doesn't mean the questions weren't coming full throttle from their friends. They responded with typical grace and congeniality, merely sharing that if and when it happens, that would be the right time. Just another great example of their genius.

As has become the norm during these Christmas festivities, morning turns into afternoon and stretches toward evening before we know it. We've always treated it like a marathon as opposed to a sprint, choosing for a leisurely lope over the yesteryear of the mad dash. The decision to recycle and reuse every bit of wrapping paper we could certainly contributes to the length. There were separate bags this year. It felt oddly normal...

At long last there was but a present remaining. It was after 5:00 and the anticipation of the day had steadily swirled toward this peak. My mom got the present opened and turned it over. There were but a few seconds of unrecognized silence before the realization set in. Eyes widened. Mouth opened.

"You're having a baby!!!"

Exultations. Hugs. Tears. The unbridled acceptance of a new reality.

Christmas. There's nothing like it... especially the one back in 2011.