The first few weeks after the pregnancy discovery is like meandering across different sides of a reality line. We both know it's real.. only no one else does. Sometimes during the day I forget that it's even happening. And then everything comes rushing back to me and I remember it most certainly is. There are so many stages for it to become more real, the morning sickness, the ultrasound, the growing belly, etc. that are still yet to come. A part of me is happy that there's 9 months to prepare for the biggest change ever. Another part wants to become a dad tomorrow. Life feels like it's on a yo-yo right now. And I never figured out how the hell those things worked...
I do know that it's kinda weird, sorta scary and really cool to fill in the "This is the last time we'll do ____ before the baby" blank. The last Christmas is coming up. And it's going to be a big one. We've got some news to share. Her family Christmas Eve. My family Christmas day. Let's see if Santa can top this one.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Saturday, November 26, 2011
The Pep Talk that did it
"Alright guys... I went back and looked at the tape. I just don't think I'm seeing enough effort. There's no real push here. Everytime you guys take off and make a break for it... well there's just no real urgency. This is for real, we're not practicing anymore. If you don't think you can cut it, just let me know and there's millions more who would gladly take your place. I can't do this alone... that's been proven time and again. Maybe you're just not being aggressive enough. It's possible you guys are encountering a roadblock and just decide that you're not going to make it. That simply can't happen. I never said this was going to be easy. No one has left here and ever succeeeded. But it can be done. I know it. I believe in you. Just go do it. You go find that egg and fertilize the shit out of it"
Friday, November 25, 2011
Keeping the Secret
When I was in high school I let it slip to some friends about the latest sexual progression of one of my other friends. Then in college a surprise party lost the surprise when I asked the birthday girl if she was excited for her party.
Because of those two incidents, I developed the reputation for being unable to keep a secret. It's about the worst stigma someone can have. I don't know exactly how many nuggets of information were kept from me after that, but I'm sure it was significant. I knew I had screwed up and knew a change was in order. I made a vow to be far more protective of privileged information and do everything I could to once again be someone who could be trusted with a secret.
At some point in your life, you have so many people sharing so many things with you that it's hard to keep track of what exactly is supposed to be kept a secret. But you know the important ones and as someone who generally likes to share stories with others, I believe I have become a pretty solid secret keeper.
And now comes the biggest one of all. My wife is pregnant. We've decided to wait until Christmas to tell our respective families. It's odd to have this news that you are so excited to share that must wait until the time is right. I want to shout this to the world but instead can only shout it into my pillow.
Hopefully all my training will come in handy...
Because of those two incidents, I developed the reputation for being unable to keep a secret. It's about the worst stigma someone can have. I don't know exactly how many nuggets of information were kept from me after that, but I'm sure it was significant. I knew I had screwed up and knew a change was in order. I made a vow to be far more protective of privileged information and do everything I could to once again be someone who could be trusted with a secret.
At some point in your life, you have so many people sharing so many things with you that it's hard to keep track of what exactly is supposed to be kept a secret. But you know the important ones and as someone who generally likes to share stories with others, I believe I have become a pretty solid secret keeper.
And now comes the biggest one of all. My wife is pregnant. We've decided to wait until Christmas to tell our respective families. It's odd to have this news that you are so excited to share that must wait until the time is right. I want to shout this to the world but instead can only shout it into my pillow.
Hopefully all my training will come in handy...
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Positively euphoric and scared shitless
It hits you right away... my kid is going to be awesome. Fun, curious, witty, charming, wide eyed and irresistible. Going to make me laugh my ass off until I'm crying. Touch my heart in areas I didn't know were there. It's going to be a whirlwind that lifts me up and never puts me back down. And I won't want it to.
But then there's this... I am in charge of a person's life.
For someone who has been moderately effective at being in charge of my own life over the last several years, it sometimes feels daunting. I think that most of what makes up my personality will enable me to be a wonderful father. I will care deeply, listen fully and teach them everything I can. I will let them grow in whatever direction they choose, appreciate everything they are and truly love them as much as humanly possible.
Then there's the part that scares me a little. The part about who I am that I hope minimally rears its head during fatherhood. I have gaps. Lapses of awareness that those close to me affectionately dubbed, "The circle of knowledge." It was all casual and innocent enough..until now. A lapse as a father can be a lot more hurtful and damaging that all the other stupid things I've done over the years. It's one thing to laugh at yourself at how dumb you are. It's completely another jeapordize your offspring because of it.
My wife loves me more than anything in the world. She's told me that. I believe her. But far too often my actions dumbfound her to the point of exasperation. And she gives me the looks that say, "Why..why oh why...is this knowledge not in that head of yours? How is it possible that you don't know how to do this?" I think somewhere along the lines some of the important knowledge oozed out of my ears while the not so important knowledge clung to the linings of my brain like velcro. I don't need to know who won the last 30 World Series titles or the dialogue for every episode of Seinfeld. I guess it's cool that I can multiply numbers in my head with ease or put together a puzzle like a cold blooded assassin. But those are quirks.. not talents that can springboard me toward becoming a better person. For someone who can remember so much about the past, I lose track of how to perform the simplest tasks. It's frustrating, it's maddening... and they can't happen if I'm going to be the father I hope to be. The circle of knowledge has to get bigger. It's time...
But then there's this... I am in charge of a person's life.
For someone who has been moderately effective at being in charge of my own life over the last several years, it sometimes feels daunting. I think that most of what makes up my personality will enable me to be a wonderful father. I will care deeply, listen fully and teach them everything I can. I will let them grow in whatever direction they choose, appreciate everything they are and truly love them as much as humanly possible.
Then there's the part that scares me a little. The part about who I am that I hope minimally rears its head during fatherhood. I have gaps. Lapses of awareness that those close to me affectionately dubbed, "The circle of knowledge." It was all casual and innocent enough..until now. A lapse as a father can be a lot more hurtful and damaging that all the other stupid things I've done over the years. It's one thing to laugh at yourself at how dumb you are. It's completely another jeapordize your offspring because of it.
My wife loves me more than anything in the world. She's told me that. I believe her. But far too often my actions dumbfound her to the point of exasperation. And she gives me the looks that say, "Why..why oh why...is this knowledge not in that head of yours? How is it possible that you don't know how to do this?" I think somewhere along the lines some of the important knowledge oozed out of my ears while the not so important knowledge clung to the linings of my brain like velcro. I don't need to know who won the last 30 World Series titles or the dialogue for every episode of Seinfeld. I guess it's cool that I can multiply numbers in my head with ease or put together a puzzle like a cold blooded assassin. But those are quirks.. not talents that can springboard me toward becoming a better person. For someone who can remember so much about the past, I lose track of how to perform the simplest tasks. It's frustrating, it's maddening... and they can't happen if I'm going to be the father I hope to be. The circle of knowledge has to get bigger. It's time...
Monday, November 21, 2011
A test was taken, it was positive
That's how it all begins. Nothing really starts until that moment. You want, you hope, you wish. But it's not real until that first test comes back. And everything changes..
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