Positively euphoric and scared shitless

It hits you right away... my kid is going to be awesome. Fun, curious, witty, charming, wide eyed and irresistible. Going to make me laugh my ass off until I'm crying. Touch my heart in areas I didn't know were there. It's going to be a whirlwind that lifts me up and never puts me back down. And I won't want it to.

But then there's this... I am in charge of a person's life.

For someone who has been moderately effective at being in charge of my own life over the last several years, it sometimes feels daunting. I think that most of what makes up my personality will enable me to be a wonderful father. I will care deeply, listen fully and teach them everything I can. I will let them grow in whatever direction they choose, appreciate everything they are and truly love them as much as humanly possible.

Then there's the part that scares me a little. The part about who I am that I hope minimally rears its head during fatherhood. I have gaps. Lapses of awareness that those close to me affectionately dubbed, "The circle of knowledge." It was all casual and innocent enough..until now. A lapse as a father can be a lot more hurtful and damaging that all the other stupid things I've done over the years. It's one thing to laugh at yourself at how dumb you are. It's completely another jeapordize your offspring because of it.

My wife loves me more than anything in the world. She's told me that. I believe her. But far too often my actions dumbfound her to the point of exasperation. And she gives me the looks that say, "Why..why oh why...is this knowledge not in that head of yours? How is it possible that you don't know how to do this?" I think somewhere along the lines some of the important knowledge oozed out of my ears while the not so important knowledge clung to the linings of my brain like velcro. I don't need to know who won the last 30 World Series titles or the dialogue for every episode of Seinfeld. I guess it's cool that I can multiply numbers in my head with ease or put together a puzzle like a cold blooded assassin. But those are quirks.. not talents that can springboard me toward becoming a better person. For someone who can remember so much about the past, I lose track of how to perform the simplest tasks. It's frustrating, it's maddening... and they can't happen if I'm going to be the father I hope to be. The circle of knowledge has to get bigger. It's time...