Life at the Top

Three years ago at Christmas I was living in a tiny apartment in Uptown, developing a history of being absurdly incorrect when it came to finding love and completely unaware of how to get to the next level of my life.

Today I live in an awesomely spacious house, am married to phenomenal and loving woman and am gonna be a dad in 2012. Man...

Life moves at such breakneck speed that it can be really hard to take a step back in appreciation. Apprecation for the wayward journey that brought me to this fsupposed fairy tale land of sunshine and rainbows. I don't feel I'm necessarily deserving of complete happiness but I've found it all the same. It's also hard to find too much truth in the theory that good things happen to good people, since there are countless great people who have had terrible luck in life. All I really know is that I went to my parents house in Wausau three years ago as a kid who didn't have a clue. And I'll be going there tomorrow as a man who has figured a few things out.

Hurtling toward the unknown world of fatherhood is coming with greater anticipation as each day passes. When you've had a year like I've had, it's hard not to feel stirringly confident that greater things are to come. Ain't no stopping me now...

The Summer of Serenity, The Fall of Fertility

If you're lucky, making a baby is something you decide on when you're good and ready. The old saying goes, "When are you ever really ready?" Well I think most people have had a scare or two in their day, and if that fire alarm had been the real thing they know damn well they would NOT have been ready. Kelly and I have known for some time that we wanted babies, and sooner was the big winner over later. After we got married we opted for one last summer as newlywed, freewheeling kids before this shit got serious. Thus began the Summer of Serenity. We drank, we ate, we took trips, we took naps, we pretty much enjoyed the crap out of everything the summer of 2011 had to offer.

And then we pulled the goalie. I became well versed in how long an ovulation period lasted. Pre natal vitamins were in play. I had some talks with my boys and told them to go into battle with courage and dedication. That they would be on their own with nothing to guide them but their cunning. And when they saw the giant egg appear before them, to not retreat in horrible fright. But to embrace the awesome beauty and welcoming power of the great egg. For a small lonely sperm, that's the attitude you need to have.

I don't know which one of my guys made it through to the end..but I imagine it being like Atreyu at the end of the Neverending Story. No one gave him a chance. He witnessed death and destruction at every turn. He doubted himself long before he finally believed in himself. And in the end, nothing was holding him back. Many great stories involve a phenomenal journey against incredible odds to reach an amazing destination. Our story is no different.

Well done good sir. You will not soon be forgotten.

Bring on the Winter of Waiting.

Getting the Right Hand

Babies. They can slide into the world at any time, arriving into a situation in which they have no control over. Ideally they're looking to enter the world the child of two loving, committed parents. But they have no say in the matter. They can't pick and choose who they get to call mom and dad. They don't sift through preview after preview of prospective parents and eventually make that well informed, "Them, those are the two I want" choice. Some are born to a mother with no father in the picture. Some are born into an unhappy, unloving family. Some are born into poverty with so little hope and so few chances to live the life that every kid deserves. The lucky ones are born to parents who put them first, who love them unconditionally and without a ceiling. I was born to parents like that and fortunately that was the only kind of upbringing I knew. I wouldn't trade the childhood I had for anything in the world. I would guess that many parents have ideas about how they want to parent. I'd also guess that most of those plans go out the window as soon as doctor hands them the little bundle. You can read, study, imagine, talk to friends, prepare in every possible way and still be woefully unprepared for the moment you gaze at your child for the very first time. I can't imagine there's any other moment that even comes close to that one. Thinking about it makes my face numb.

It's like I'm 11 years old again, back at Noah's Ark in Wisconsin Dells. I was there all day and the ride The Plunge was just looming over me, waiting and beckoning. Finally about a half hour before the park closed, I got up the nerve to give it a shot. As I stood on the top of that slide and looked at the steep drop below me, I had no idea what was about to happen. I only knew that it would be terrifying and awesome in one furious plummet. Seconds later, I was gone, headed down, ready or not. And was I ever right.

Terrifying and awesome. Here we are again...

Waiting it out

The first few weeks after the pregnancy discovery is like meandering across different sides of a reality line. We both know it's real.. only no one else does. Sometimes during the day I forget that it's even happening. And then everything comes rushing back to me and I remember it most certainly is. There are so many stages for it to become more real, the morning sickness, the ultrasound, the growing belly, etc. that are still yet to come. A part of me is happy that there's 9 months to prepare for the biggest change ever. Another part wants to become a dad tomorrow. Life feels like it's on a yo-yo right now. And I never figured out how the hell those things worked...

I do know that it's kinda weird, sorta scary and really cool to fill in the "This is the last time we'll do ____ before the baby" blank. The last Christmas is coming up. And it's going to be a big one. We've got some news to share. Her family Christmas Eve. My family Christmas day. Let's see if Santa can top this one.

The Pep Talk that did it

"Alright guys... I went back and looked at the tape. I just don't think I'm seeing enough effort. There's no real push here. Everytime you guys take off and make a break for it... well there's just no real urgency. This is for real, we're not practicing anymore. If you don't think you can cut it, just let me know and there's millions more who would gladly take your place. I can't do this alone... that's been proven time and again. Maybe you're just not being aggressive enough. It's possible you guys are encountering a roadblock and just decide that you're not going to make it. That simply can't happen. I never said this was going to be easy. No one has left here and ever succeeeded. But it can be done. I know it. I believe in you. Just go do it. You go find that egg and fertilize the shit out of it"

Keeping the Secret

When I was in high school I let it slip to some friends about the latest sexual progression of one of my other friends. Then in college a surprise party lost the surprise when I asked the birthday girl if she was excited for her party.

Because of those two incidents, I developed the reputation for being unable to keep a secret. It's about the worst stigma someone can have. I don't know exactly how many nuggets of information were kept from me after that, but I'm sure it was significant. I knew I had screwed up and knew a change was in order. I made a vow to be far more protective of privileged information and do everything I could to once again be someone who could be trusted with a secret.

At some point in your life, you have so many people sharing so many things with you that it's hard to keep track of what exactly is supposed to be kept a secret. But you know the important ones and as someone who generally likes to share stories with others, I believe I have become a pretty solid secret keeper.

And now comes the biggest one of all. My wife is pregnant. We've decided to wait until Christmas to tell our respective families. It's odd to have this news that you are so excited to share that must wait until the time is right. I want to shout this to the world but instead can only shout it into my pillow.

Hopefully all my training will come in handy...

Positively euphoric and scared shitless

It hits you right away... my kid is going to be awesome. Fun, curious, witty, charming, wide eyed and irresistible. Going to make me laugh my ass off until I'm crying. Touch my heart in areas I didn't know were there. It's going to be a whirlwind that lifts me up and never puts me back down. And I won't want it to.

But then there's this... I am in charge of a person's life.

For someone who has been moderately effective at being in charge of my own life over the last several years, it sometimes feels daunting. I think that most of what makes up my personality will enable me to be a wonderful father. I will care deeply, listen fully and teach them everything I can. I will let them grow in whatever direction they choose, appreciate everything they are and truly love them as much as humanly possible.

Then there's the part that scares me a little. The part about who I am that I hope minimally rears its head during fatherhood. I have gaps. Lapses of awareness that those close to me affectionately dubbed, "The circle of knowledge." It was all casual and innocent enough..until now. A lapse as a father can be a lot more hurtful and damaging that all the other stupid things I've done over the years. It's one thing to laugh at yourself at how dumb you are. It's completely another jeapordize your offspring because of it.

My wife loves me more than anything in the world. She's told me that. I believe her. But far too often my actions dumbfound her to the point of exasperation. And she gives me the looks that say, "Why..why oh why...is this knowledge not in that head of yours? How is it possible that you don't know how to do this?" I think somewhere along the lines some of the important knowledge oozed out of my ears while the not so important knowledge clung to the linings of my brain like velcro. I don't need to know who won the last 30 World Series titles or the dialogue for every episode of Seinfeld. I guess it's cool that I can multiply numbers in my head with ease or put together a puzzle like a cold blooded assassin. But those are quirks.. not talents that can springboard me toward becoming a better person. For someone who can remember so much about the past, I lose track of how to perform the simplest tasks. It's frustrating, it's maddening... and they can't happen if I'm going to be the father I hope to be. The circle of knowledge has to get bigger. It's time...

A test was taken, it was positive

That's how it all begins. Nothing really starts until that moment. You want, you hope, you wish. But it's not real until that first test comes back. And everything changes..